Romance and Tea

So there was this toad called Matt. Actually, he wasn't so much a toad as a Muddvark, which is a kind of creature rarely seen these days anymore. They are rather ancient, but don't like to be reminded of this fact. You would think it would lend them some respect, having wisdom and experience on their side, but they prefer to be thought of as young and cool. Each to his own.
Anyhow, this vark called Matt was a suspiciously ugly specimen. Speculations abound in the village as to whether his mother had actually mated with a turd, but nobody ever dared to take this point up with the Man Himself.
He was, you see, a puffed up little so and so. Liked to think he was a toad, and a young handsome one at that. Possibly this was due to the fact that his mother had fed him on a diet of lies and sweetcake, designed to make him feel loved but actually only increased his already huge ego. Never mind, bygones are bygones after all, what is done is done.
The result of what was done was certainly not very pleasing however, to the eye or to the nostril (varks who think themselves handsome are under the impression that they need not wash...)
He was known as the village bully (the village in question being Maplesville, just south of Swamp Toad Hill. This is where the snooty toads went to live, the ones who liked to think themselves better than other toads.)
Many a young toadlet had he bullied to the point of tears and worse. This was particularly sad on his part considering that he was a full grown vark and should have known better, never mind the fact that it is just pathetic to tease someone smaller and more vulnerable that yourself....
One day however, in the springtime of the year Dot, he got his come-uppance.
It was a warm, humid day, such as they occur quite regularly in this land and morning to boot (mornings are the worst for humidity, you wake up feeling like a wet rag and just wish you could sink back into the cold, blue oblivion you just came from...) and Liverwuss had decided to move back into town.
Liverwuss was a rare kind of toad, being a mix of toad and goblin (more toad than goblin though). He had a pale yellow colour, quite sickly in appearance, hence his name. In fact, one was never quite sure if he was actually there or merely part of the background. That is how he liked it, though. Poor chap, he had had a hard time of it no doubt about that and learned early on in life that it is best to fade into the background to avoid being trampled on/bitten/hit or just plain laughed at. Why people should single him out for such treatment is beyond me, but then this whole bullying thing is not based on any kind of logic I can understand. Something about a toad being ever so slightly different; the rest of the pack can sniff an insecurity a mile off and BAM! They are onto you like a pack of wild turkeys.
I guess this gives a good enough explanation as to why old Wuss left town. We need not go into details as to the exact nature of his torturings. We can all imagine....
The last few years had been kind to him however. He had grown positively lumescent in his happiness. Why go so far as to say he was happy, I hear you ask. Well, the fact is he had fallen in love. Yes, even grown up toads can fall in love. He had met a young lass, Delfinia was her name and she made him just GLOW with satisfaction. His discovery of the joys of sex may have had a part in this, but we can certainly conclude that he was indeed very much in love with his young lady and not just with the sex side of things.
We must make a little detour here to explain what I mean with the word 'lady'. Delfinia was not, strictly speaking a lady. As such. She enjoyed peeing standing up, for instance. And having mud fights (this aspect particularly endeared her to old Wuss). If you think of a lady as someone who drinks milk with her tea while holding polite conversation about the weather, then no, she was not a lady.
She was definitely very female, though. And also quite definitely a Fairy. I see some raised eyebrows at this point, but don't even try to ask me about the mechanics of their affair, that is for them to sort out. It worked, is all I know.
She was part of a gang, called the Candy Floss Tooth Fairies. They liked to stromp around causing merry mayhem wherever they went (usually by swapping teeth under children's pillows with sweets and chocolate and then blaming the dog). They looked a bit rough and ready, if you like punk style. Her hair was pink, dyed bright candy pink and her nails blue.
She met the Wuss one evening while he was out for a stroll (his evening constitutional, he liked to call it to himself, secretly, when nobody was listening). It was dusk, the little orange lanterns were just coming on around the tree stomp houses, music was playing softly in the background (just Toby and his band practising, but they had become quite good, of late. They could hold a tune and if they were far enough away it sounded like music).
So, the stage was set for a romantic moment and did it happen? Well, this isn't a fairy tale for nothing. Of course it happened. Lightening shot through him at the the sight of such pink femininity, suddenly she appeared to him as the Madonna out of the dusk, a vision in pink smelling vaguely of bubblegum. He was gone, riding high on his kite of hormone fuelled happiness when THUNK! they clanked heads together and he was abruptly bought back to Earth, as they fell together in a heap over the root she had stumbled on. (She was known to be clumsy. No longer allowed to do the break-ins into children's windows at night for fear she might do herself an injury. Instead she was Head Hunter, working back at the station, checking the systems for new loose teeth. Tonight she had evening shift and was on her way to work).
Well, after a bit of embarrassed fumbling about which is perfectly normal when a male and a female collide, he discovered to his dismay that her head was bleeding. She wasn't hurt badly, heads have a tendency to bleed a lot, but he was not aware of this fact and was most distraught. Insisted on her coming back to his place for some rejuvenating tea and a plaster.
She was not so worried about her injury but rather nosy as to his living quarters (having been a bachelor for the past 20 years, she expected the worse) and also rather keen to avoid working this evening, for reasons of her own which I may come to in another story.
So off they went to his home, up in the hills just behind them. He lent her a courteous arm which she gratefully took, playing the role of helpless female to the letter.
Here she found a pleasant surprise awaiting her. Not only were his quarters amiable and welcoming, he had even taken the trouble to decorate. The walls were painted a warm orange and lined with bookshelves, as far as the eye could see. While he went off to busy himself with the kettle and generally faff in the kitchen, she snuck a look at his collection. This is when she fell in love. Here she had her a sinking moment (while his moment had been more of the flying kind, hers was a sort of sinking, mostly around the kneecap region plus a warming in the belly until she felt quite faint and had to sit down).
They had exactly the same taste in books, you see and this is what did it for her. Pure and simple, she was a geek and so was he. By looking into his bookshelves she felt she was looking into his soul and she saw the same soul, they were as one. His toad-like appearance suddenly vanished before her eyes and instead she saw an elf on a shining white steed, her Prince Charming.
Thus a romance was born.
Sigh.
You know, I find myself quite taken with this image, so I shall leave it at this for today.
Matt and his come-uppance can wait for another day.